Thursday, June 22, 2006

You don't have to be nuts to work here...

It's late in the afternoon. I'm punchy because I have tomorrow off (yay!). PartnerInCrime is punchy because his brain is fried and he's drinking wine. (Which he got from me, which is in my file cabinet because my boss and I bought some small bottles of Sutter Home one day when we couldn't take it anymore. We only drink the classy stuff). We'd been having a pretty decent "therapy session", when one of the brokers stopped by. This guy is an older gent, pretty distinguished, and a major pain in the ass most of the time. But he's one of those older distinguished gents who has a stealth sense of humor.

Gent: So.... where's the committee headed to?

Me: The committee is headed to the nuthouse.

PartnerInCrime: I'm not part of any committee.

Gent: The nuthouse? It's only 4:30. Hey..... We should open a bar/restaurant and call it "The Nuthouse".

Me: Hey that's a great idea.

Gent: We can throw elephant nuts all over the floor...

Me: Elephant nuts?

Gent: Yeah, you know, like at the baseball games.

Me: "Elephant nuts"??? Don't you mean peanuts?

Gent: Oh yeah...

Me: I don't think you want elephant nuts on the floor of your restaurant.

Gent looks at me for a minute, then what I'm saying suddenly dawns on him and he starts laughing.

Gent: SilentWitness, I'm surprised at you!!! You have a dirty mind!

He starts to walk away, then sticks his head back in the door and says...

Gent: You know, Silent, that was a pretty ballsy thing to say.

Poor PartnerInCrime got wine on his shirt.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Did I mention he's obsessed with Nazis?

Musketeer #1 got a wild hair up his ass last year (or it could have just been a midlife crisis, sometimes they're hard to tell apart) and got a motorcycle license... and a motorcycle. I know less about motorcycles than I do about microbiology, so all I can say is that it's a very snazzy looking bike, and it's a BMW. Definitely not "low ego emissions" material.

Today he wandered into my office to chat, and offhandedly mentioned that someone, he's assuming it was the General, turned the hand-warmers on just to mess with him, and he didn't figure out until he got home why his hands were burning. I must have looked at him strangely because he supplied an explanation.

Musketeer #1: It has a switch you can turn on to warm the handles so your hands don't freeze. Like seat warmers in a car. Those Germans think of everything. Especially if it has to do with heat... and ovens.

There wasn't much I could say to that. Ironically enough, one of the compressors on the air conditioning unit that cools our office broke today. The Germans have to be involved somehow, since it's like an oven in here now.

PS- Show of hands: who thinks it would be a bad idea to go for a ride with Musketeer #1?

Friday, June 02, 2006

Bring me a shrubbery

My boss has been working with the plant service, to get some more plants in the office and pretty it up a little. We had several plants in the old space, but this space is bigger (and more corporate) and needs more plants. For some reason she is insisting on an orange tree for the balcony outside her window. Nevermind that an orange tree won't survive the winter... she'll just bring it inside!

The other day, one of the property managers (who uses the same plant service for the buildings they manage) was in her office and they were discussing what plants should go where. I was minding my own business, but remember there is a window in the wall between our offices, so we can communicate.

blah blah blah, plant conversation... then suddenly:

MyBoss: SilentWitness needs a bush!!!

Me: Excuse me?!

PropertyManager (rolling her eyes): Ok, a shrub. Why does everyone have a dirty mind?

MyBoss: Bush, shrub, same thing.

PropertyManager: Actually they're different but I always have to say "shrub" because everyone has the same reaction you do.

...and off they went back to their boring plant conversation. Fast forward a day or two, when I was feeling punchy.

Me: So... why exactly do I need a bush?

MyBoss (smirking): Because I heard you don't have one.

And I think I'll leave that right there. But I just had to share.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Guten Morgen, mein Herr

Musketeer #1 is obsessed with Nazis. I am sure this goes back to his childhood, when his father (of German descent) just up and left the family. Any person from Germany or of German descent is therefore automatically a Nazi. Still, he has a sort of love/hate thing going on with his German heritage, because he randomly put an umlaut (those two funny dots, for those of you who don't know) over one of the vowels in his very German last name, and everyone thinks that's how it's spelled. I only recently found out myself that it doesn't really "belong" there, he just put it there because he felt like it.

He does a lot of work with European companies, so every once in a while he'll run across some Germans, and because he knows I majored in German, he always mentions it. This morning, we were both at the coffee maker at the same time (me for my 2nd cup, and I'd only been here for an hour), and he told me he had to show me this card he got from "a Nazi".

Me: A Nazi?

Him: Yeah. I met these two Nazis yesterday, right off the boat. Come on, let me show you this.

Me (following him): Are you sure they were actually Nazis?

Him: Of course. They were German.

When we got to his office he handed me two business cards, both of which were double sided, with the information in German on one side and English on the other.

Him: Look at the German side. Look at this guy's title. What the hell is that?!

It said "Geschäftsführer". It didn't hit me at first.

Me: Ok... it means "managing director".

Him: Why does it say "Führer"?!?!

Me: Oh! Well that's really just a regular word. It means "leader".

Him: Oh, ok. Well, I don't think he should be handing those cards out over here! I expected him to come goose-stepping into my office.

Well, since all Germans are Nazis, why wouldn't he?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Simple minds

My boss has redeemed herself (somewhat). After telling me yesterday afternoon around 4pm that corporate needs a specific report and needs it today, I was less than thrilled with her time management skills- especially after seeing the email she forwarded me was originally sent to her two weeks ago. So, I’ve been a little grumbly. However, the phone calls I just had with her have wiped the slate almost clean.

Me: Hello, this is SilentWitness.

My boss: I am so bored!!!

Me: Um… where are you? Hi, by the way.

My boss: I’m in the middle of nowhere in an empty industrial building.

Me: What are you doing in an empty industrial building?

My boss: I’m working an open house with CheapSkate and OtherBroker. I have to greet the brokers when they arrive, and walk them down this long maze to bring them into the open house.

Me: Oooh, sounds like fun.

My boss: I’ve been watching this bug crawling around on the floor…

Me: Wow, you must be bored.

My boss: I’m thinking of getting some hoops or something and training it to do tricks.

Me: Put something in front of it and see if it climbs over it.

My boss: Oooh! Here comes some brokers! Gotta go!

I resumed working on the report she threw at me last night, and a few minutes later the phone rang again.

Me: Hello, this is SilentWitness.

My boss: I stepped on it!!!!

Me: What?

My boss: I stepped on the bug by accident! I knew that was going to happen!

Me: Oh no!

My boss: I was leading the brokers down the hall and when I stepped I heard *crunch*… and I thought that can’t be good.

Me: Now what are you going to do, that was your only friend! (I love to egg her on) You have to find another bug!

My boss: I’ve been looking for one!!! (I should have known) All I found was a dead moth with one wing. So now there’s a dead moth and a dead bug in here. [pause] I think I’ll go outside. There has to be something out there.

Me: Yeah, find a caterpillar or something.

My boss: Oh yeah!!! They’re out now! Maybe I can find one of those big fuzzy ones. Bye!

And I’m still sitting here working on this report. What’s wrong with this picture???

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

"I'm not dead yet!"

I've resolved to keep this thing going. It'll require some work on my part, as the biggest group of lunatics is completely on the other side of the office. But it's been too much fun writing this blog to just let it die. So. This morning I wandered down to Musketeer #1's office to say hello, as I noticed he was an early bird this morning like I was. I asked him, half jokingly, if he was able to watch the parking lot for hot chicks from this window, as he was from his office in the old building. I should have known better.

Musketeer #1: Oh yeah! There's this hot brunette in a black Jeep.... her waist is about this big... I always call PartnerInCrime when she gets here. And then there's a smokin' blonde in a white Camry that parks over there... All the hot ones come in around quarter to nine.

Me: So do you have a favorite?

Musketeer #1: Yeah, there's this little bitty thing, she's about this tall [holds hand not quite up to his shoulder], she looks like she's about 18. Actually she kinda looks like you.

#1 At 5'7" (without heels, which I normally wear at work) I don't think I qualify as a "little bitty thing".
#2 I look significantly older than 18.
#3 Knock it off already, pervert.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


A little while ago, I happened to be at the front desk when the UPS man came to pick up our outgoing packages. I thought it a little odd that he said to me "Wow, you look so conservative!", but I didn't think much of it. (Didn't think much of it other than to IM ChinaGirl immediately and say I'm in a corporate environment, wearing a regular business suit type outfit- how is that conservative? It's the norm.) Anyway... this afternoon as I was walking past the front desk from dropping something off at MarketingGal's cube, the same UPS guy was standing there, chatting with the receptionist while waiting for someone to finsih a package. I stopped and asked him if he'd be back at 5:30 (our normal pickup time) and he said he wouldn't but someone else would be. Then he added:

UPS Guy: I just can't get over how conservative you look now.

Me (stopping dead in my tracks and turning around): What are you talking about?

UPS Guy: Well you used to look all goth and everything, now you look so conservative.

Me: Do I know you from somewhere other than here?

(Immediately the receptionist's and RunOnSentence's ears pricked up... I could see them thinking "ooooh this could get interesting!")

UPS Guy: No... I've been doing your pickups for like four years. And you used to look really goth.

Me (genuinely puzzled): But I don't dress any different now than I did 4 years ago. Oh! (it hit me) I used to have really long hair, that's probably it.

UPS Guy: Oh yeah! That's what's different! You just look so conservative now.

Dude. The jacket and pants I'm wearing, I've had for a few years. Nothing about me is different except for the haircut. So stop making the girls at the front desk think I walked around here in flowing black gossamer dresses, fishnets and combat boots. Because I stopped dressing like that on a regular basis about ten years ago.


I can't even think of a title for this

Things most people usually don't talk about with their bosses:

anal beads

I don't know why but my boss continues to surprise me with the things she reveals. She had the day off on Monday, and yesterday was quite chipper and refreshed. I commented that the day off had done her some good, and she replied it could only have been better if she'd had sex. Which after a moment, she amended. "Well.... I did have sex. Just not with a person." This of course launched her into telling me about her friend's sex toy party this weekend, which is how the anal beads came up. If HR has a bug in her office, we're so screwed. Erm.... in trouble.