Friday, October 15, 2004

Who's Who at BlogCompany

The company I work for is known for privacy's sake simply as "BlogCompany". I offer this list of my esteemed co-workers for easy reference for new readers and old alike, as the stories can sometimes reach soap opera proportions.

Nutjob- the woman who started it all, who is featured in most of the stories. She is indescribable... but I'll give it a shot. She is the typical JAP, or wants desperately to be. She just turned 50 but she thinks she is 21. I'm not just talking about someone who dresses too young for her age, she truly believes she is in her early 20's. She craves attention more than a stranded puppy on the side of the road in a rainstorm. She will go to great lengths to get that attention... she pretends to be ditzy but she's really very calculating. There is some serious lack of brainpower there, however. We aren't sure if she had a nervous breakdown at some point or just did too many drugs. She is obsessed with getting married, and has been dating a 36 year old loser (Loserboyfriend) for about 3 years now in hopes that he will propose to her at some point. He lives at home with his mom, and sits on the computer day trading as his primary occupation. He constantly insults her but she puts up with it because she is sure at some point he will propose, even though he has told her repeatedly that he has no interest whatsoever in getting married. She does his and his mothers' laundry while she's there on the weekends (he lives about 2 hours away), while he goes out and golfs with his buddies. Nutjob is also obsessed with Hawaii- she's been there a total of 12 times, three of them in this past year. We're east of the Mississippi. This is not an inexpensive trip to make. Somehow she's got it in her head that he will propose to her there, and has planned these trips as the perfect place for him to drop the question. Right about now you're probably feeling really sorry for her- don't. She could leave this asshole if she wanted to. She is also manipulative beyond your wildest imagination... stick around for a while and her stories will ultimately reveal her true self.

PartnerInCrime- A guy a few years older than me, who works in another department, with whom I love to commiserate about the butt-headed things the brokers do or the latest bit of Nutjob news. He's one of those "really nice guys" you want to fix up with a single girlfriend in the worst way.... if you had any single girlfriends. When I started my last blog, I named him PartnerInCrime because he knew about the blog and fed me stories that I wasn't privy to (a lot of strange stuff goes on in that department). I've decided not to let him in on this one, only because I really want to be sure no one in the office knows about the blog. Plus, he's got some issues of his own.

The Three Musketeers- three investment brokers who sit right near my desk. They are infinitely amusing, because they have three distinctly different (and not always compatible) personalities. Musketeer #1 is by far the most bizarre. His strong independent anti-establishment streak is topped only by his love of capitalism and the almighty dollar. He loves to instigate trouble and start gossip. Musketeer #2 is slightly older (in his mid 50's) and as fastidious and high-strung as Musketeer #1 is indifferent and subversive. They have been working together for close to 10 years. Musketeer #3 was hired to bring some fresh blood to their duo. He is in his mid 30's, and is laid back but conscientious. He has an incredibly wry sense of humor that zings you when you least expect it.

FunkyChick- Works in PIC's department, and PIC is technically her boss. She treats him more like her best girlfriend, though, telling him all kinds of things that have no business being discussed with a male co-worker, much less your boss. She also dresses incredibly provocatively even though she doesn't quite have the body for it. Almost, but not quite. There are times when her bra - the bra itself, not the strap- is showing, and times when she wears a shirt or dress with cleavage so low that you can see the soft divet between her breasts. She's also a tad on the spoiled side.

HeadHoncho- The manager of this and the other office we have in this state. He is rarely around, and when he is, his door is closed. He has a nice disposition (most of the time) and a good sense of humor, so it's easy to forgive the times when he does blow his top. Especially when he apologizes 5 minutes later. He has a tendency to be wishy-washy and a tad forgetful, which makes it a bit frustrating when you need to work with him for something.

Jane- HeadHoncho's assistant. She is in her mid-50's and is incredibly insecure about her age. Refers to all the other admins in the office as "the young ones" even though only 2 of them are in their 20's. She really has it out for Nutjob- they lock horns all the time. I have come to discover that it's because they are frighteningly similar, although it would give Jane a coronary to hear me say that. She and I are pretty good friends, although she drives me nuts with her obsessing over her body and age and, well, just about everything. But she is a very nice person and most of the time very friendly. I probably should mention here that my whole office (the females at least) are obsessed with dieting. There are times when I want to scream... they all play off each other and sometimes I feel like I'm in the middle of a sociology study.

JerseyGirl- The name says it all. She's from New Jersey, and all stereotypes apply. She's an admin, in her mid 20's.

AngelFish- Musketeer #1 actually gave her this name. She's also an admin, in her late 20's, but one of those wilting flowers. She blushes when you talk to her, and has a very soft voice. She seems like a very sweet girl, but it's been hard to get to know her because she is so shy. She got her name because Musketeer #1 called her his "angel" whenever he heard her voice on the paging system. From there it became "AngelFish", I'm not sure why.

The Mosquito- our other admin, in her mid to late 40's. She is new, and asks a million questions. That in itself isn't bad, it's just the way she beats every dead horse into oblivion, and is always on the lookout to point out something that someone else did wrong. Nothing is ever her fault. Even when she's asking a question, she sounds like she's complaining.

AngrySally- The administrative manager for another department. She is the most foul woman I have ever had the displeasure to meet. I'm sorry, that sounds harsh, but it's true. She's a smoker, which in and of itself isn't bad, but she embodies the phrase "She smells like an ashtray". I have known a lot of smokers in my life, many of whom I didn't even know smoked until I saw them light up. Somehow she manages to reek of cigarette butts all day, every day. She had a deep phlegmy rattle in her chest that comes forth as spit globules when she laughs. Because she has the habit of seriously invading your personal space while talking to you, some of these globules invariably will land on you. She also complains about every little tiny thing. I have never ever seen this woman happy. In addition to that, she has serious anger management issues. She frequently berates people on the phone or just plain screams at them. She doesn't sit very far away from me, so when she erupts, I have to go elsewhere, because I can't take the screaming harpy bitchiness.

MiddleAgedHippie- A broker. He grew up in a very wealthy family and while he's not snobby, he has a different outlook on life. He has no idea how to do things himself, like change a tire. But he spent much of his youth smoking pot and lord knows what else. Consequently he is a great source of amusement.

Dick & Dork- A pair of brokers who work together as a team on every project. They're both in their 60's, disgustingly wealthy, and expect everyone to bow to their every whim. They both have a very pleasant side, though, so at least they don't make you want to strangle them every time you talk to them. They also have a tendency to argue like a little old married couple.

StonerBoy- A brand new broker, fresh out of college, who looks like he stepped off the cover of whatever male magazine is fashionable these days. He embodies the term "metrosexual". He also talks like a stoner and squints his eyes like a stoner, hence the name. I have a hard time talking to him without bursting out laughing. He was hired to breathe some life into the Cardiac Twins (Dick & Dork) and do their running around and crap work for them.

Bruce- Thankfully, Bruce has toned it down a bit recently. He's relatively new, and when he first got here he had the world's biggest ego and attitude to match. He would (and still does) tell you a story about something that happened to him no matter what you were talking about. Mention you broke your toe? He's broken every finger and toe and a few ribs to boot. See, he's very big into martial arts, which is why we call him Bruce (as in "Lee"). He's got professional pictures of himself in various martial arts attire posing threateningly with various weapons, plastered all over his cube. He also loves to talk about his body- how "ripped" he is, etc. Very tedious.

PhoneSwindler- This is probably the broker who most easily makes my blood boil. He's got a cocky entitlement attitude. Every rule or policy applies to everyone else but him, in his mind, and sadly, management has given in to him on more than one occasion and he now has official exceptions to several policies. All having to do with money, of course. He got his name because I discovered one day while processing his expense reports that he was trying to get reimbursed for not only just his cell phone (which we reimburse at a higher rate than anyone else, just because he's who he is), but for all the cell phones on the account, which included his daughter's phone and his wife's phone. When my boss pointed this out to him and explained that he only got reimbursed for one phone, he acted like he hadn't done anything wrong. When pressed and asked if he thought it was right to do that, he shrugged and said "I don't care". So, PhoneSwindler he is, though he could be many other names (and regularly is, in my mind).

FuckingLyingScumbag- Another broker (shocker!), one who would stand there and swear up and down that the sun was shining in the middle of a blizzard. He'll look you straight in the eye and tell you HeadHoncho approved that $700 aerial photo when in fact, HeadHoncho knows nothing about it. He'll throw you under the bus just as quickly too.

CheapSkate- One of our most wealthy brokers, he refuses to pay for a single thing. He also, will throw you under the bus faster than you can blink your eye, and has a lying problem as well.

My boss- She Who Can Not Be Named. Truthfully, I just never gave her a name in my old blog. When talking to Silent Husband about her, though, I call her Hurricane HerNameHere. Perhaps from now on I will call her Hurricane Alice. She comes to our office twice a week and really is like a brisk wind sweeping through the office when she walks through the door. She is incredibly disorganized and scatterbrained and chatty but somehow she manages to get everything done. Barely. She relies on me heavily- I've been here for 7 years, and while she's been in the company for almost 20, she's only been in this position for 4 years. I have the complete opposite personality- strong work ethic (thanks to my Protestant upbringing), the idea that it's a good thing to finish what you've started and not go off on 17 different tangents... you get the idea. Perhaps I am a little too rigid. A broker once described me as having "icy Nordic efficiency". Ouch. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Despite our differences in work ethic, we work very well together and are pretty good friends. We get into some conversations that would make even FunkyChick blush.

And, of course, yours truly: Silent Witness- Don't be fooled into thinking spend all day exposing other people's foibles and judge them from some imagined lofty position, because I do also reveal my own idiosyncrasies from time to time. Especially if it makes for a good story. So, in the words of MiddleAgedHippie- This is my world, man. Welcome to it. I will dig you.


Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing. As a former corporate gal, I'm salivating waiting for your next...

11:43 PM  

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