Thursday, December 23, 2004

Hell hath no fury...

Just because Nutjob has been relatively quiet and withdrawn doesn't mean she's not scheming something. She's been milking this breakup for far too long now. The way she's been carrying on, you'd think her mother died. FunkyChick gave her a gift today, a very nice crystal candle thing, shaped like a moon. When she opened it, she just said "Oh."

FunkyChick: Oh... don't you like it? I thought you loved candles.

Nutjob: Oh, I can't use candles anymore. They make me think of Loserboyfriend. And, and well we used to look at the moon all the time (bursts into tears).

So to soothe her broken heart, she's decided to become a slut. Remember the booty call she flew 1000 miles for? Well, she called him up, I guess to rekindle the relatioship, and he told her he has made a committment to another girl he's involved with (who is also a good 800 miles away from him). Not to be outdone, Nutjob said "what if I offered you an all expenses paid trip to the Florida Keys?". Being a man of no principles, he accepted. Now she is paying to take him to the Keys, and is already planning a trip to California for Valentine's Day.

Also overheard from her phone conversations: there is some girl she no longer wants anything to do with, as she adamantly repeated over and over to whomever was on the other end of the line. Later in the afternoon, she swore she would sue this girl if she said anything to her. Wow. Lasst stop- deep end!

Monday, December 20, 2004

Merry Everything

Smartass SilentWitness here. So far this holiday season has been a big disappointment at the office. First, CheapSkate didn't ask to "preview" my choice of holiday cards. Usually he looks at them under a microscope, searching doggedly for any trace of something that might resemble a Christmas tree or a bough of holly or a reindeer. This year- nothing. And of course, you all know that our office is sadly without the Giant Dreidl of Death due to Nutjob's recent conversion to atheism. *cough*. And nothing will beat last year's Mystery Birds. (A broker brought a 3ft Christmas tree in and perched it on the edge of his cube wall. PartnerInCrime and I bought a bunch of birds from a craft store and put a new bird in the tree every day. It was classic. He had no idea where they were coming from.)

Perhaps it was because I was missing the usual holiday hi-jinks that I got a little punchy today. Our office is closed on Monday, because Christmas is on Saturday. (No, I can't figure it out either). My boss sent an email out today to remind everyone about the closure. Here's what her email said:

"Just a reminder that the office is closed on Monday, December 27th (a day off for the holiday that falls on Saturday, December 25th).

Enjoy!! "

When I teased her about saying "the holiday that falls on Saturday, December 25th", she swore that she had to say it that way because she's not allowed to say "Christmas". I think she's getting a little carried away- the company calendars say "Company Holiday- Merry Christmas!", so I doubt she'd have a problem if she mentioned it in an email.

Well, CheapSkate can't let a good opportunity pass him by, so he replied:

"Not for those of us who are Jewish!"

After pointing out that even if you're Hindu, that doesn't mean there isn't a holiday on Saturday, December 25th, I suggested we send him a Kwanzaa card. My boss gleefully agreed, and we signed it: "Love, your sistahs, Boss and SilentWitness".

So far no reply. Dang.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

It was inevitable...

Things not to do in the office:

1. Look at porn on your computer.

2. Look at porn on your computer when your monitor faces the hall.

3. Look at porn on your computer when your monitor faces the hall and an overly sensitive 50-something woman is walking by.

4. Look at porn on your computer when your monitor faces the hall and an overly sensitive 50-something woman is walking by and said woman has freely admitted to others that she "hates your guts".

Oh, the drama.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Happy F-ing Birthday

I believe it has been documented how ridiculous birthdays are in this place. Sometime long ago, people started taking each other out to lunch for their birthdays. Very nice, right? It has evolved now into an obligatory outing, with everyone feeling that they must go because the other person came to their lunch, and it always takes much longer than the hour we are allotted for lunch, and the natives get very restless when the squaws aren't here to do their cooking and cleaning. Naturally, the birthday girl doesn't have to pay for her lunch, we all chip in and pay for her. It started out as a nice thing to do, but for the last few months, every time we take someone out, there is always some problem or someone getting their feathers ruffled. It's really not worth it anymore, and today was the last straw.

Today we were supposed to take Jane and Mosquito out - Jane's birthday is at the end of the week, but she's using up her vacation days and won't be here, and Mosquito's birthday is next week. To make a long and complicated story short, about half of the people who were supposed to go either weren't here or couldn't go, leaving just JerseyGirl and I to foot the bill for two birthday girls' lunches and our own. I wasn't going to say anything about it, I figured that's the way the cookie crumbles, but Jane, who is very blunt, flat out said she felt really bad about that part of the deal and would I rather we do it next week when everyone could come. I hemmed and hawed and asked JerseyGirl what she thought, and she said she'd been a little unhappy about it but didn't want to appear cheap. So we decided it would be best to wait until next week anyway, that way more people could be in on the fun. (ha). I told Jane, and she mentioned it to Mosquito. Do you know what Mosquito said? "Well, I guess we're at their mercy, aren't we?"

EXCUSE ME?! How about we just not take you to lunch at all, you ungrateful cretin? What the hell does it matter if we go today or next Monday? You can bet every dollar in the treasury that had the tables been turned, she would have been griping about the situation for days.

I think birthday lunches should be banned, starting January. If people truly want to take someone out for their birthday, they can do it on their own time after work. Just watch how quickly people stop THAT little tradition if they have to give up their own precious time. We already have an ice cream cake every month for all the birthdays in that month (presided over by Nutjob, of course). We don't need 2 hour lunches that always result in hard feelings in addition to that.

Is it just this office?

I have a question for all you people out there who work in normal offices. If an adminstrative assistant regularly called in before the office manager arrived and left a voice mail saying "I'm running a little late today, I'll try to be there by 9:30", would there be any repercussions? Our office opens at 8:30, at least that's when the staff is supposed to arrive. The brokers come and go as they please. It seems to me that this is a little bit odd, but as far as my boss is concerned, it's no big deal. And in the scheme of things, it's certainly not a big deal. But somehow, everyone else manages to get here at 8:30 every day.

Just wait until we start getting snow... the concept of getting up a little earlier to clean off your car and account for bad traffic apparently is a foreign one in this office.

The Nutjob Report, Part 2

Nutjob is busy making plans. She is now saying that if she gets to the party and sees that he has another girl there, she is going to make a big scene and will "claw her eyes out". Good. I hope she does, then they'll be forced to committ her.

She also says that if he takes her back, she's going to go off the Pill and get pregnant to trap him. I'm sure you're scratching your heads... yes, she is 50 years old and on the Pill. (She also takes herbal fertility supplements at the same time, but hey I never said she was brilliant). Now, I don't want to gross out any of my male readers, but I have to explain something. If you take the pill into your menopausal years, the hormones in the pill will prevent you from experiencing menopausal symptoms. So, she still gets to deal with that lovely blessing we younger women rejoice over every month. If she is no longer taking the Pill, she may go into menopause, which means no more monthly blessing, at least not on a regular schedule. So just imagine... she goes off the Pill... her period stops after a while because that's what bodies do when you're 50... and she takes this as a sign that she's pregnant. What's going to happen to her when she realizes what's really going on? Maybe I should invest in a bullet-proof vest. If anyone is a candidate for flipping their lid and shooting up the office, it's her.

Monday, December 13, 2004

The Nutjob Report

Well kids, I may have washed my hands of her, but that doesn't mean I am prevented from hearing her whining. So here you go, the Nutjob Report for the last week and a half.

I know I mentioned that she hasn't hung up the Giant Dreidl of Death, nor has she festooned her cube with blue and silver garland and a very long droopy "Hannukah Stocking". This, like everything else, is an attention-getting ploy. People have been asking her for days where her decorations are, specifically the Dreidl. Her responses have varied, and each is more obnoxious than the last.

"Oh, I'm not really in the holiday spirit these days". (accompanied by a big sigh)
"No one will help me!" (a- she hasn't asked anyone, b- she never needed help any other year)
And perhaps the most fantastic of all:
"I'm an athiest now. All the joy has been taken out of the holidays for me."

As for Loserboyfriend, you obviously know by now that once she's obsessed with something/someone it takes a nuclear blast to pry her grip off of it. Despite the fact that they haven't spoken in over two weeks, she is going to show up at his surprise birthday party, which has been in the works for a while, so she knows exactly where and when it is. "Surprise! It's your psycho ex-girlfriend!" I don't think she's going out of any delusion that they're still together- it seems to have reached the revenge point. As evidenced by the following conversation, courtesy of PartnerInCrime:

Nutjob: I'm going to his surprise party.

PartnerInCrime: Are you sure that's a good idea?

FunkyChick: Why do you want to do that?

Nutjob: This isn't over. This is far from over. You should see what I do to my ex-boyfriends.

(brief silence while PartnerInCrime groans inwardly)

Nutjob: I once told an ex-boyfriend I was pregnant. It went on for two months. He was offering to take me to the doctor and everything. I finally just told him I lost the baby.

[Editorial comment: She should be shot for that.]

Nutjob: Anyway, I'm going to report him to the SEC, he does illegal things when he's trading.

Now, maybe she's not as dumb as I think she is, but I find it hard to believe she'd know an illegal trade if it hit her in the face. And, as part of this whole revenge scheme, she's also planning on telling him at the party that she had booked a trip for them to go to Tennessee. She booked this nonrefundable trip in the midst of their breaking up. I'm not sure what her purpose is in bringing this up, I haven't been able to figure out if she's going by herself, or if she's bringing her Booty Call man, who she flew 1000 miles to see one weekend.

And, to top it all off, of course she's still making a big hairy deal about not eating. She'll come running into the kitchen if it's full of people at lunchtime, declare "Oh! My lunch isn't ready yet!", and procede to pour herself a cup of coffee with much flourish and flop down at the table, proclaiming "There! Now it's ready!". No one else in the office, besides Jane and PartnerInCrime, seems to be able to see this charade for what it is. All the rest of them play right into her hand. "Oh, Nutjob, you've gotten so skinny!" "Oh Nutjob, you better start eating or you'll waste away to nothing!", etc etc.

And that has been the extent of my suffering for the last three days. Yes, that is only three days' worth of Nutjob-drama. I'm dying over here.

Friday, December 10, 2004

More later, this is only the beginning

I'm back from vacation and bursting with Nutjob stories, but you will have to be satisfied with this for the time being:

Jane is in a ticked-off snit today. I don't blame her. What my boss said yesterday was just beyond reproach.

My boss wrote an email about things that need to be noted by the brokers for year-end (which will be duly ignored and the email deleted). She and I worked on this email for an hour together. Why an hour to write an email? Because it takes us twice as long to do something together as it would for me to do it by myself. But I digress. We finished, looked it over, and in our fatigue didn't notice she'd written "Well, it's that of year again...", and sent it out to everyone. I made a beeline for the ladies' room, having made the mistake of drinking a Snapple before this intense power-meeting.

When I returned, she called out from her office "I made a typo!" I went in to investigate.

Me: Really? Where?

My Boss: Here (indicating the missing word)

Me: Oh. Who pointed that out?

My Boss: Jane did.

Now both my boss and I are on Jane's shit list. No, you didn't miss anything. Jane left without saying goodbye to either of us, because she was upset that my boss "complained" about her pointing out the mistake. "I just thought you'd want to know about it", she whined today. Apparently I am also on the shit list for daring to ask who pointed it out.

Can I go back to high school please? It was a lot less petty there.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004


Number of blissful days I had off from work: 4
Number of times my boss called me: 5
Span of days in which the calls came: 2

Well, I guess 2 out of 4 days without a call isn't bad.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

A Two-fer

I've been sick this week, so these stories have been festering in my mucus-laden brain while I try to slog through the work I missed, and prepare for the 4 days I'll be out... ON VACATION! A-hem. Sorry. I'll try for a little more decorum. At any rate, these two gems occured this week.

Happy Holidays from BlogCompany
Now I know there is something seriously wrong with Nutjob. There is something missing from her corner of the bullpen. There is no blue and silver garland lining her cube walls, no pictures of menorahs and no Hannukah Stocking hanging, waiting for a visit from Hannukah Harry. But perhaps most glaring is the absence of the Giant Blowup Dreidl Of Death. Every year for the last four years, she's hung a huge rubber blow-up dreidl from the ceiling above her cube. It's about three feet long and two feet wide, and is a garish blue with brightly colored Hebrew letters on each side. I'm all for celebrating our differences, but holy cow, do we have to be so tacky? *slaps forehead*. Right, this is Nutjob we're talking about. But I'm seriously worried about her state of mind- Hannukah is less than a week away, and there is no giant dreidl, no Hannukah stocking. This is very serious.

On another note, there is the company holiday party. It was originally planned for January 7th, a Friday. When I mentioned to my boss that that date is Russian Christmas, and since PartnerInCrime is Russian Orthodox, it might not be a good idea to have it that night. She frowned a little, and wondered if we wanted to have it on a different day because of one person. "But it's his Christmas," I said. "Imagine if the whole office was having a party on your Christmas and you couldn't go." She agreed that we should have it on Thursday instead after asking him what he thought and finding out that yes, it is a big deal.

Well, won't you all be interested to know that when I came back from my sick day, Jane handed me the contract for the party and said we needed to get a check for the balance. She told me it had been changed to the week before Christmas.

Me: Why?

Jane: You'll never believe this.

Me: What is it?

Jane: Because Dork is going to be on vacation in January and can't go.

Now... for those of you who are newer readers, let me just summarize Dork for you. He has been known to verbally shred people in front of the entire office, at the top of his lungs, has on at least one occaision been physically threatening to my boss, and is generally a prick. However, he and his partner make us scads of money, and HeadHoncho trips over himself to make all kinds of little concessions for Dork. You want to be paid at a higher rate than everyone else? Sure! Be my guest! So, basically this guy gets rewarded for being an asshole.

Me: You're kidding. And they didn't want to change it for PartnerInCrime's Christmas?

Jane: Well, YourBoss wasn't too happy about it, but she didn't say anything when HeadHoncho said to change it.

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Flattery may not get you anywhere, but money sure will.

Even I Can't Figure Her Out This Time
Yesterday my boss called me up about one thing, and as is always the case with her, ended up talking about 17 other things, interrupting herself (and me) all the way. We were in the middle of discussing something mildly important like, oh, I don't know, closing the books for the month, when out of nowhere she says:

My Boss: Oh! I need two TV's, two VCR's and two DVD players!

Me: Ok... (Silent Husband works for an electronics company and has offered her discounts in the past. I figured she was doing some Christmas shopping)

My Boss: Next Thursday, when you're back, we have to go over to the store and get some model numbers.

Me: Ok. I can have him meet us there if you want.

My Boss: Ok, well he doesn't have to. Hey, do you know if we get cable in the conference room?

There is a fancy cabinet containing a TV and a VCR in the large conference room. This was the brilliant idea of HeadHoncho's predecessor, a man who's biggest concern was which Mont Blanc pen he was going to buy next, and just how young and blonde of an administrative assistant he could get away with hiring. To my knowledge we have never used the TV for anything business related. It has however been used to view such things as:

- Smalls' wedding video (during lunch break one day)

After-work movie nights with PIC and MiddleAgedHippie:
- Caddyshack
- Beavis & Butthead
- Trading Places
- and other astoundingly intelligent Bill Murray movies

But I digress. I told my boss that as far as I knew, we didn't have cable in the office.

My Boss: Well, call the management and find out if we can get it.

Me: Wait a minute, the TVs are for the office?

My Boss: Yeah. I want to have one in each office. But if this one is cable ready and we can get cable, then I only need one TV.

Me: May I ask... why you want cable?

My Boss: Well, HeadHoncho was saying, and I agree, that it would be good to have cable in case... you know, in case of an emergency. Like on 9/11 we were totally cut off from the world.

Yes, kiddies, this is 2004. It apparently took 3 years for them to come up with this brainstorm. I refrained from pointing out that on 9/11 there were at least two people in the office with radios (one of which was me), which is why I interrupted HeadHoncho's big important meeting to tell the out-of-town New Yorkers what was going on. There was also an internet connection, but what do I know. I'm wondering if there isn't some other reason behind wanting cable in the office. Citing 9/11 just seems a little odd, given the huge time gap in between then and now. Can you just imagine our slacker office with access to a cable TV? I shudder to think.