Monday, December 13, 2004

The Nutjob Report

Well kids, I may have washed my hands of her, but that doesn't mean I am prevented from hearing her whining. So here you go, the Nutjob Report for the last week and a half.

I know I mentioned that she hasn't hung up the Giant Dreidl of Death, nor has she festooned her cube with blue and silver garland and a very long droopy "Hannukah Stocking". This, like everything else, is an attention-getting ploy. People have been asking her for days where her decorations are, specifically the Dreidl. Her responses have varied, and each is more obnoxious than the last.

"Oh, I'm not really in the holiday spirit these days". (accompanied by a big sigh)
"No one will help me!" (a- she hasn't asked anyone, b- she never needed help any other year)
And perhaps the most fantastic of all:
"I'm an athiest now. All the joy has been taken out of the holidays for me."

As for Loserboyfriend, you obviously know by now that once she's obsessed with something/someone it takes a nuclear blast to pry her grip off of it. Despite the fact that they haven't spoken in over two weeks, she is going to show up at his surprise birthday party, which has been in the works for a while, so she knows exactly where and when it is. "Surprise! It's your psycho ex-girlfriend!" I don't think she's going out of any delusion that they're still together- it seems to have reached the revenge point. As evidenced by the following conversation, courtesy of PartnerInCrime:

Nutjob: I'm going to his surprise party.

PartnerInCrime: Are you sure that's a good idea?

FunkyChick: Why do you want to do that?

Nutjob: This isn't over. This is far from over. You should see what I do to my ex-boyfriends.

(brief silence while PartnerInCrime groans inwardly)

Nutjob: I once told an ex-boyfriend I was pregnant. It went on for two months. He was offering to take me to the doctor and everything. I finally just told him I lost the baby.

[Editorial comment: She should be shot for that.]

Nutjob: Anyway, I'm going to report him to the SEC, he does illegal things when he's trading.

Now, maybe she's not as dumb as I think she is, but I find it hard to believe she'd know an illegal trade if it hit her in the face. And, as part of this whole revenge scheme, she's also planning on telling him at the party that she had booked a trip for them to go to Tennessee. She booked this nonrefundable trip in the midst of their breaking up. I'm not sure what her purpose is in bringing this up, I haven't been able to figure out if she's going by herself, or if she's bringing her Booty Call man, who she flew 1000 miles to see one weekend.

And, to top it all off, of course she's still making a big hairy deal about not eating. She'll come running into the kitchen if it's full of people at lunchtime, declare "Oh! My lunch isn't ready yet!", and procede to pour herself a cup of coffee with much flourish and flop down at the table, proclaiming "There! Now it's ready!". No one else in the office, besides Jane and PartnerInCrime, seems to be able to see this charade for what it is. All the rest of them play right into her hand. "Oh, Nutjob, you've gotten so skinny!" "Oh Nutjob, you better start eating or you'll waste away to nothing!", etc etc.

And that has been the extent of my suffering for the last three days. Yes, that is only three days' worth of Nutjob-drama. I'm dying over here.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would say she should do community service for telling her ex-bf that, but I wouldn't know any community that would want her.

Mr. Ring of Fire

1:06 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

On behalf of all athiests, I would like to point out that she is certainly NOT an athiest. She tried showing up for the weekly meeting but gave up when no one noticed her. See, athiests not only deny the existence of God, but we also deny the existence of stupid attention-seeking nutjobs. We're cool like that.

10:49 PM  

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