Thursday, December 02, 2004

A Two-fer

I've been sick this week, so these stories have been festering in my mucus-laden brain while I try to slog through the work I missed, and prepare for the 4 days I'll be out... ON VACATION! A-hem. Sorry. I'll try for a little more decorum. At any rate, these two gems occured this week.

Happy Holidays from BlogCompany
Now I know there is something seriously wrong with Nutjob. There is something missing from her corner of the bullpen. There is no blue and silver garland lining her cube walls, no pictures of menorahs and no Hannukah Stocking hanging, waiting for a visit from Hannukah Harry. But perhaps most glaring is the absence of the Giant Blowup Dreidl Of Death. Every year for the last four years, she's hung a huge rubber blow-up dreidl from the ceiling above her cube. It's about three feet long and two feet wide, and is a garish blue with brightly colored Hebrew letters on each side. I'm all for celebrating our differences, but holy cow, do we have to be so tacky? *slaps forehead*. Right, this is Nutjob we're talking about. But I'm seriously worried about her state of mind- Hannukah is less than a week away, and there is no giant dreidl, no Hannukah stocking. This is very serious.

On another note, there is the company holiday party. It was originally planned for January 7th, a Friday. When I mentioned to my boss that that date is Russian Christmas, and since PartnerInCrime is Russian Orthodox, it might not be a good idea to have it that night. She frowned a little, and wondered if we wanted to have it on a different day because of one person. "But it's his Christmas," I said. "Imagine if the whole office was having a party on your Christmas and you couldn't go." She agreed that we should have it on Thursday instead after asking him what he thought and finding out that yes, it is a big deal.

Well, won't you all be interested to know that when I came back from my sick day, Jane handed me the contract for the party and said we needed to get a check for the balance. She told me it had been changed to the week before Christmas.

Me: Why?

Jane: You'll never believe this.

Me: What is it?

Jane: Because Dork is going to be on vacation in January and can't go.

Now... for those of you who are newer readers, let me just summarize Dork for you. He has been known to verbally shred people in front of the entire office, at the top of his lungs, has on at least one occaision been physically threatening to my boss, and is generally a prick. However, he and his partner make us scads of money, and HeadHoncho trips over himself to make all kinds of little concessions for Dork. You want to be paid at a higher rate than everyone else? Sure! Be my guest! So, basically this guy gets rewarded for being an asshole.

Me: You're kidding. And they didn't want to change it for PartnerInCrime's Christmas?

Jane: Well, YourBoss wasn't too happy about it, but she didn't say anything when HeadHoncho said to change it.

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Flattery may not get you anywhere, but money sure will.

Even I Can't Figure Her Out This Time
Yesterday my boss called me up about one thing, and as is always the case with her, ended up talking about 17 other things, interrupting herself (and me) all the way. We were in the middle of discussing something mildly important like, oh, I don't know, closing the books for the month, when out of nowhere she says:

My Boss: Oh! I need two TV's, two VCR's and two DVD players!

Me: Ok... (Silent Husband works for an electronics company and has offered her discounts in the past. I figured she was doing some Christmas shopping)

My Boss: Next Thursday, when you're back, we have to go over to the store and get some model numbers.

Me: Ok. I can have him meet us there if you want.

My Boss: Ok, well he doesn't have to. Hey, do you know if we get cable in the conference room?

There is a fancy cabinet containing a TV and a VCR in the large conference room. This was the brilliant idea of HeadHoncho's predecessor, a man who's biggest concern was which Mont Blanc pen he was going to buy next, and just how young and blonde of an administrative assistant he could get away with hiring. To my knowledge we have never used the TV for anything business related. It has however been used to view such things as:

- Smalls' wedding video (during lunch break one day)

After-work movie nights with PIC and MiddleAgedHippie:
- Caddyshack
- Beavis & Butthead
- Trading Places
- and other astoundingly intelligent Bill Murray movies

But I digress. I told my boss that as far as I knew, we didn't have cable in the office.

My Boss: Well, call the management and find out if we can get it.

Me: Wait a minute, the TVs are for the office?

My Boss: Yeah. I want to have one in each office. But if this one is cable ready and we can get cable, then I only need one TV.

Me: May I ask... why you want cable?

My Boss: Well, HeadHoncho was saying, and I agree, that it would be good to have cable in case... you know, in case of an emergency. Like on 9/11 we were totally cut off from the world.

Yes, kiddies, this is 2004. It apparently took 3 years for them to come up with this brainstorm. I refrained from pointing out that on 9/11 there were at least two people in the office with radios (one of which was me), which is why I interrupted HeadHoncho's big important meeting to tell the out-of-town New Yorkers what was going on. There was also an internet connection, but what do I know. I'm wondering if there isn't some other reason behind wanting cable in the office. Citing 9/11 just seems a little odd, given the huge time gap in between then and now. Can you just imagine our slacker office with access to a cable TV? I shudder to think.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

In other news, a telegraph has been asked for in the office as well, just in case another bombing of Pearl Harbor should ensue.

9:57 AM  
Blogger darth said...

wow, 9/11 can be used to justify ANYTHING now. i think i'll use it to get a new iPod. someone's got to have access to music if it happens again.

12:43 PM  
Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Maybe you could get some semaphore flags as well. You know, just in case all verbal communication between buildings ceases along with electronic output.

10:42 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home