Monday, February 14, 2005

Please pee in silence

An open letter to the women in my office building, on proper bathroom-using etiquette:

Rule 1: Please refrain from making loud grunting noises, sighing and muttering “oh, god!” while using the facilities.

Rule 2: The ladies’ room is not your personal therapist’s office. Talking animatedly on your cell phone about whoever has wronged you this time has nothing whatsoever to do with the purpose of the restroom. (Rule 1 can be waived if this is in response to Cell Phone Talker in an attempt to get her to leave). By the same token, if you must huddle together with a co-worker to gossip, please do it elsewhere.

Rule 3: The paper toilet seat covers are there so we don't have to sit where everyone else's asses have been. If you walk out of the stall and leave it on the seat after you've used it, it kind of defeats the purpose of having it in the first place.

And for one woman in particular: is it really necessary to flush the toilet 18 times and pull 428 pieces of toilet paper off the roll with great urgency while you’re in there? It makes me nervous. Cut it out.

Thank you, that is all.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yipes, yipes, yipes.

This is what I like about being a boy. All we really deal with is whether or not someone left the sports page, and if they did, all the better.

Mr. Ring of Fire

10:28 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

But . . . see . . . now I'm curious. When they say "oh, God!", is it said in horror, or is there some mildly erotic tone to their mewling?

Inquiring perverts want to know.

10:48 PM  
Blogger Gladys Cortez said...

My building is actually a house. There are two offices that share a wall with the bathroom; one of them is mine.

The things I've heard are secondary in horror only to the things I've smelled.

8:49 PM  
Blogger SilentWitness said...

Ok, I have a few things to say. For Mr Ring of Fire, men have their own bathroom ettiquette issues. Why do you need to take a newspaper with you? It's like you're advertising to the office "Hey! I'm going to go take a dump now!"

Craig... There is nothing erotic about it. It's more of an agonized "oh god" than anything else. This makes me beat a hasty retreat, even resorting to skipping the hand wash and washing them the minute I get back into the office- I don't want to hear what's coming next.

Gladys... you have my utmost sympathies. I can't think of a worse location for your office to be.

1:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excuse me - the paper is already in the bathroom, I'm just reading it. And yes, if I'm reading it, I'm dumping - and if I'm dumping, I don't think I really need to announce it - by the stall door being closed, it should be a pretty big green light that I'm not playing parcheesee.

Mr. Ring of Fire

4:28 PM  
Blogger SilentWitness said...

I don't give a crap (ha) about what goes on in the stall, I'm talking about walking from your desk to the bathroom with the paper tucked under your arm. If some guy is in there with you, yeah he's going to know. But does everyone in the office need to know what's going to be coming out of you?

8:53 PM  

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