Friday, March 25, 2005

Holy Friday, Batman

Disclaimer: Completely irreverant religious discussion to follow, complete with ethnic stereotypes.

I think someone spiked the coffee yesterday. If only I had a tape recorder with me, I could share with you the roughly twenty minutes I sat sitting in my cube, hand clasped over my mouth, trying to laugh silently (gotta live up to my name, after all). But alas, I didn't have the foresight to bring a recording device to my office, although I am seriously thinking now of stashing one in my desk drawer for just such an occasion. I will do my best to relay the chaos. Let me start out by saying that before yesterday, I knew absolutely nothing about the Jewish holiday Purim. Now I think I'm either very well informed, or severely misinformed. Late in the afternoon, when everyone was nice and punchy, Musketeer #1 started it all by goading Nutjob.

Musketeer #1: Hey Nutjob, it's Purim. Aren't you supposed to be fasting? You didn't fast today.

Nutjob (with real panic in her voice): What?! You don't fast for.... oh my god, I forgot to fast!

A discussion about Purim ensued, during which I learned that it is a holiday where children dress in costumes and there is something to do with "Queen Esther", and someone named (I'm sure I'm spelling this wrong) "Mordacai".

Nutjob: It's like Halloween!

Musketeer #1 (very soberly): No, it's not like Halloween. Halloween is a Roman Catholic holiday. 'All Hallows Eve'.

Nutjob didn't hear him because she was busy chattering away about Queen Esther.

Musketeer #1: Who is this "Queen Esther" anyway? Who made her Queen?

some inaudible mumblings from Nutjob

Musketeer #1 (walking away from her cube): Well, I heard she was originally from Hawaii anyway.

I nearly had coffee shoot out of my nose. At that point, I thought it was over, but I was sorely mistaken. Musketeer #2 came out of his office and started talking about how the markets would be closed tomorrow (today) because of Holy Friday, and we should have the day off.

Musketeer #2: We have to go to church tomorrow. Except for you Nutjob, you should have to work overtime.

Nutjob: Why?

Musketeer #2: Well your poeple... tomorrow is the day you did the deed.

Musketeer #1 (yelling from his office): Yeah! You killed our Savior!!!

At this point lots of yelling erupted, with the Musketeers goading Nutjob, and Nutjob shouting that Jesus was Jewish anyway (which I'm not sure has anything to do with their point, but this is Nutjob). Dick came out of his office saying that Nutjob needed some backup and joined the fray. Around the time the ruckus settled down, Musketeer #1 yelled from his office:

Hey! Queen Esther gave it up for Mordacai!

Musketeer #3: What are you doing in there?

Musketeer #1: I'm researching Purim.

Musketeer #3: Are you sure you're not researching "porn"?

Musketeer #1: Hey, there's some Italian guy involved. "Mordici".

Musketeer #2: That figures. There's always a Guinea at the bottom of everything. I bet he was all mobbed up.

Musketeer #3: I think that's "Mordacai".

Nutjob: Mordacai!!!

Musketeer #1: Well, I'm changing it to "Mordici", it's more interesting that way. He was probably a Sicilian.

It was at this point that Musketeer #1 came out of his office with something he had printed off a website.

Musketeer #1: Hey, Musketeer #2, this is your kind of holiday! It says: "you shall eat and be merry. Eat and drink and become drunk. Drink so much that you can't tell the difference between blah-blah and blah-blah - I can't pronounce those names - but don't drink so much that you break any of the Laws or become ill". See, Musketeer #2, it says to get blitzed!

Musketeer #2: Hey, we Irish don't need a holiday to get blitzed.

At this point I couldn't help but interject.

Me: What kind of website are you getting this off of, anyway?

Musketeer #1 (with a smirk): "Jewish.com"

Of course! I should have known.

Musketeer #1: Hey, SilentWitness, there's something in here you'd like too. "Children put on plays and there is dancing and singing and crossdressing".

Me: What does that have to do with me?!

Jane's cackling laughter erupted from her cube at this point.

Musketeer #1: Well you can put on your pinstripe pants and we can all go out for a beer.

I should mention that I used to have a pair of black pinstripe pants that apparently looked to him like men's pants, because whenever I wore them, he told me I was dressed like a man and called me "buddy", and said I should come to the bar with the guys to pick up chicks.

So, here I am in the office, despite my hangover from last night's party when I drank heavily (but didn't break any laws!) and went about dressed like a man. Good thing the banks are closed, or I'd have to actually do some real work.

5 Comments:

Blogger Craig said...

It could have been worse. Yesterday I had to endure--FOR OVER AN HOUR AND A HALF--one of the most idiotic religious discussion I ever heard between two co-workers.

I think my favorite bits were where one of them said that the Bible was true because it proved itself, but the Koran was riddled with innacurracies, and that he'd believe in Evolution once somebody shows him proof.

Be glad yours was actually amusing to overhear.

9:10 AM  
Blogger SilentWitness said...

How in the world did you stay out of that one?

9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should have set up shots on Nutjob's desk and told her she had to get liquored up or she wasn't really Jewish.


Live and be well!

Mr. Ring of Fire

9:34 AM  
Blogger Violet Meeks-Kane said...

OMG, I'm lauging my butt off in my cube...you poor, poor thing.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

I stayed out of it by digging my fingernails into my desk and have small epileptic seizures.

Plus I knew, had I begun to speak at that moment, I would have done so with much vehemence, volume, and vindictiveness (sic?), which I'm sure wouldn't negated any constructive argument I might have formulated, not to mention probably gotten me fired.

A man has got to know his limitations....

8:25 PM  

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