Thursday, May 19, 2005

I am human after all

Every once in a rare while the stoic mask of professionalism gets peeled back and my co-workers get a glimpse of the real person beneath. This time I surprised even myself. Let me just preface this story by reminding you that every time Musketeer #1 puts a plastic bug on my phone, keyboard, chair, etc., he's never been gratified with a girly squeal of disgust. I usually bring it to him and ask if he lost something, or put it in Nutjob's cube. Creepy crawly things such as snakes and lizards and bats (oh my!) have never had much of an effect on me, in fact I kind of like them. I don't much care for bugs or spiders, but hey, they live here too and I've never really had a big problem with them (except for bees. That's a whole different ball of wax).

This morning I was diligently working on processing a transaction (read: checking my home email) when I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. When I looked to see what it was, I saw a light brown spider the size of a quarter climbing nonchalantly up my cubicle wall. I froze. I called out to Musketeer #3 (the closest male, equipped as all males are with spider-killing-ability) to come over here quick. (At this point, part of the back of my brain is saying "what the hell is wrong with you?". But then the estrogen-drenched primal part took over). By the time Musketeer #3 got over to my cube, the spider had made it all the way up the wall and crawled into the overhead bin.

Me: Great. It crawled in there. Now I'm not going to be able to find it.

Musketeer #3: Ok, so it's in there. So what.

Me: So what?! So it'll fall on my head when I pull something out of there! I can't just leave it in there!

I started moving things around, trying to find the spider. Nutjob, attracted by the attention being given someone else, came over.

Nutjob: Oh my god! Oh god, a spider!!!!

I pulled a box out of the overhead bin and carefully peered around the back of it, only to find the offending arachnid dangling off by one spindly leg. I let out a loud squeal and threw the box on the floor. Then I realized that my bag was right near there, so I snatched my bag and jumped back to the far corner of my cube.

Me: It's under that box.

Musketeer #3: You saw it?

Me: Yes (Pulling box away to reveal a very non-threatening looking squashed spider). There it is!

Musketeer #3 (laughing): That's it? That's your giant spider?

Me: Well of course it looks smaller now, I dropped a box on it!

He blotted up the spider corpse with a napkin, laughing all the while. By now I had a decent crowd around my cube, all laughing and astonished that I had acted like such a girly girl, myself included. Thank God Musketeer #1 wasn't there or I'd never, ever hear the end of it, and would find a different plastic or rubber spider on my desk every day.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go touch up my makeup.

Friday, May 13, 2005


Knowing what an instigator Musketeer #1 is, I just went over to his office to find out if he was pulling my leg about Broker having been waiting around for someone else to make the coffee. Apparently the situation unfolded something like this:

Musketeer #1 went into the kitchen to get coffee, and when he discovered there was none, figured he shouldn't be drinking it anyway, so nevermind. Then Broker came in, discovered there was none, and started bitching about it.

Musketeer #1: So why don't you make some?

Broker: Nah... I just can't get into that.

Musketeer #1: What do you mean?

Broker: I just... I don't do that sort of thing. I'm busy.

(Please note he had enough time to stand around jawing with Musketeer #1 for at least 5 minutes).

Musketeer #1: So, what, you'll just wait until one of the girls makes some?

Broker: Yeah, pretty much.

After relaying the conversation, Musketeer #1 asked me why I made the coffee.

Musketeer #1: I don't get why you girls do that. Why play into it?

Me: Hey, I only made it because I wanted some! If I had known that's what Broker was waiting for, forget it, I would have just gone without.

So... Hi, I'm SilentWitness, I'll be your servant for today.

Make me my coffee, bitch

Somehow ever since I brought the new coffee company in, my life has been tied to issues involving said coffee. This afternoon I decided I needed a little pick-me-up, so I ventured to the kitchen, where Musketeer #1 and another broker were standing, in the doorway talking. Both were holding styrofoam coffee cups (because we care about the environment at BlogCompany!). I pressed down on the dispenser on the airpot and got about 3 drops of coffe splattered on the side of my mug, and a whole lot of air. Figures. It's the second time today I've gone for coffee and some lummox has taken the last cup and not brewed a fresh pot. So, I set it up to brew and leave the kitchen to go do something else. The "something else" requires my passing by Musketeer #1 and the other broker a few times, and on my last pass-by, Muskteer #1 asks how many times I'm going to walk back and forth.

Me: Well I'd have to walk back and forth less if the person who took the last cup of coffee had bothered to brew more.

Musketeer #2 (who'd just emerged from his office, because it's 2:30 and on Fridays 2:30 is quitting time): Do people really do that? Leave it empty? I can't imagine someone would do that.

Me: I'm not surprised. People leave stuff empty and walk away all the time.

A few minutes passed, and Musketeer #1 started walking back toward his office, when I heard the other broker ask loudly:

Broker: So, is the coffee ready yet?

Wow. So it wasn't even a matter of someone taking the last cup and leaving an empty pot. It was a case of someone discovering the pot was empty, and standing around waiting for someone else to brew a fresh pot. I looked at Musketeer #1 in disbelief as he passed my desk.

Musketeer #1: Didn't you know guys don't make coffee? That's a girl's job. (then he yelled over to the broker) Hey Broker, SilentWitness just made you your coffee!

Musketeer #1: What kind did you make?

Me (grumbling): The one with the most caffiene, the one that gives you a heart attack.

Musketeer #1 (yelling): Hey Broker! You didn't want decaf, did you?

Broker (yelling back): No! What's the point of decaf coffee?!

I hope he appreciates it. I got coffee grounds all jammed under my nails when I opened the packet.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Fed up

Ok, I don't think it's possible for FoulMouthedOldFart to walk back here and not say something offensive. Or maybe it's just me and I'm a little oversensitive. But on top of the c-word comment, and the constant barrage of f-words and comments about "homos", this just pushed my buttons. He wandered over to Musketeer #1's office and started talking about cars.

FMOF: Oh, I forgot... did you hear that Mercedes is finally acknowledging that there's something wrong with their cars?

Musketeer #1: It's about time.

FMOF: Yeah... they told their engineers they better fix it or they're going to send them to concentration camps.

Laughter all around. Ha ha ha, you're a comic genius. I am seriously considering lodging a complaint about this man. I spoke to him once about his language, but enough is enough.