Friday, August 26, 2005

No, I don't want to hear about your vaginal discharge

I have never been so happy to see a broker in all of my life. I got cornered by The Mosquito, whose name is now officially changed to RunOnSentence. When she talks to you, words come out like machine-gun fire and she could talk for 20 minutes straight and have it all be one sentence. You never get a word in edgewise. And it’s always something really personal that you don’t particularly want to hear about (usually something gynecological).

This morning, she was the first one in the office and I was right behind her. She came over to my desk and started rattling on- once she was off, there was no way to stop her. Her original purpose in coming to talk to me was to ask if it would be ok to leave at 2:30 for a doctor’s appointment. However, it took about 10 minutes to even come to that point, and she had to give me every detail along the way of why she needed to go to the doctor, namely a yeast infection. Yes, she talked to me at length about it, and how much discomfort she had (shifting around uncomfortably for emphasis, in case I didn’t get the point), but she’s going to get her period any day now and oh yeah she has to remember to call the doctor when she does because they have to set up an MRI appointment for her because of the two different kinds of cysts in her breasts, one is just fluid but she has to get that drained all the time, and they’re so painful, and the last time she had one drained the doctor said it was 8 cm and she thought she was going to lose a cup size but the doctor laughed and said it doesn’t work that way and anyway, the MRI is going to take a whole hour to make sure the other kind aren’t cancerous, but it’s hard to make the appointment because she must be going through her changes because her period comes every 25 days now instead of every 28 and she has to make sure it’s all covered by insurance because it’s just like the time her daughter went- oh remember how her daughter had her wisdom teeth out this summer? Well now she has some kind of cavity and she won’t let the dentist near her mouth because she can’t stand having anything in her mouth because she’s terrified of anything making her gag and throw up and she even had to make her own impressions when she got braces and….

Broker wanders over, hesitantly.

RunOnSentence: Oh, did you need SilentWitness?

Broker: Yeah, I just needed to get my computer out of the closet?

RunOnSentence says goodbye and walks back to her desk. I could have kissed said broker’s feet. Nah, that’s pushing it. But RunOnSentence had been talking to me for literally 23 minutes, and I barely got a word in edgewise. I was wondering how I could tactfully shut her up when the broker saved me. That conversation could have taken a minute or less:

RunOnSentence: Is it ok if I leave at 2:30 today? I had to make a last-minute doctor’s appointment.

Me: Sure, it shouldn’t be a problem, it’ll be pretty dead today anyway.

Period.(ha!) End of story.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll admit, I cheated. After I read the "breast draining" part of that LOVELY report, I skipped to the end of the paragraph. Excuse me while I wretch magma.

Mr. Ring of Fire

9:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too. Much. Information.

Misery may love company and all, but reading that should be considered cruel and unusual punishment!


9:39 AM  
Anonymous KJ said...

Next time you get a particularly nasty hangnail infection or something, you can reference it thus: "My hangnail hurts about as much as listening to co-workers painfully drone on about topics that should remain private - or at least out of the office!" Surely there is a Sniglet for that.

1:02 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

All this talk about yeast infection and cysts-in-breats as made me frightfully hungry. I think I'll go grab some leftover puss from that infection I had last week and slurp some down.

5:24 PM  

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