Thursday, December 29, 2005

Serenity Now!!!

My patience is wearing thin. It is year-end, so that in itself is a big handful. Add to that the fact that my boss doesn't seem to grasp the meaning of year-end deadlines and I'm already pulling my hair out. What I do not need is someone running over to me every five minutes (I seriously am not just using that as an expression) to give me an update on her stationery supply situation. (The "situation" is that we had to order all new stationery, because our logo changed. Apparently this is a hugely complex task, because I have to keep hearing about what to do with the old stuff, who's cards didn't arrive, or maybe they did, where are they, isn't that odd that they would just disappear, she's going to re-order with a rush order, by the way she's not going to fight them on the rush charge, isn't it a good thing she covered her butt by saving copies of everyone's responses to her email, etc etc etc etc etc etc).

Hey Jane, newsflash: I don't care about the stationery. If something's missing, re-order it, you have my permission. Now leave me alone.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Another Oscar-winning performance

I knew something was up when Nutjob arrived with not only washed but styled hair, and makeup. When she said "good morning" to me she sounded awful. I said as much.

Nutjob: Oh yeah... I'm not feeling so good. I don't know long I'll last today.

She went up front to answer phones. Jane came rushing over to tell me that it was obvious that she was setting up for an early day, because her hair was done. No shit, Sherlock. I played into it.

Me: Yeah, but she doesn't sound so good.

Jane: Yeah well she was faking yesterday too. [Jane stalks away]

No, really? You think she might be faking? Nah, I don't think so. Not when she has tomorrow and Friday as vacation days....

PS- The "alive" gift from my boss was neither alive furry nor alive leafy. It was alive amphibious. Yes, a frog. Thankfully, she decided after learning about what kind of care it would need, that it was too much work to give as a gift. Hi here's your gift! Now you can keep your eye on it all the time in your freezing cold house to make sure the water's warm enough, keep it in a place the cats can't get to it, and oh yeah, feed it crickets. Merry Christmas! Good call on that one, BossLady. I love frogs, but not that much.

Dear Jane,

Please remove the stick from your ass. It's only 9:00. If I have to deal with this kind of attitude all day I might string you up next to the Dreidl of Death.

Tactfully yours,
SilentWitness

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

This is the life

I had the day off today. Supposedly I was driving back from my grandmother's, but we came back last night. Shhhh, don't tell. Miracle of miracles, my cell phone didn't ring. Good thing, because the only thing better than having a day off work is having a day off work and discovering that your cable hockey package is showing the World Junior Championships in the middle of the afternoon, and watching 18 & 19 yr old US kids whoop some 18 & 19 year old Norwegian ass was quite delightful. Even though I'm a total chick and started to feel bad for the poor Norwegian goalie. (Final score: 11-2).

(No comments about 18 & 19 year old Norwegian ass please).

Back to the salt mines tomorrow. Hope all your holidays were merry.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Merry/Happy Christmas, Hanukkah, Yule, Diwali, Kwanza, Orthodox Christmas and anything else I forgot

Quick update because I'm trying to process revenue and get out of here:

1. My boss told me she didn't bring my gift yesterday because it's something alive. And she didn't think it would survive the cold sitting in my car during the party. Oh dear.

2. Someone is wandering around the office singing "White Christmas". Wow, that's daring. That's 2 PC demerits against him: "white" and "Christmas".

3. Musketeer #3 told Musketeer #1 (who wasn't at the party) that I got wild at the party yesterday. He said "You know the stupid pet tricks they do on Letterman? Well... I didn't think humans could do stuff like this". Ha ha ha. I told him I thought I'd sworn him to secrecy and now I'm going to take my sweet time processing his czechs. Oops. I mean checks. Sorry, hockey on the brain.

Seriously... happy whatever you celebrate, and if you don't celebrate anything, have a nice fun secular day off.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Thanks a lot

I just typed a whole long entry about the party, and my freaking cat walked across the keyboard and stepped on all the wrong keys and erased the whole damn thing.

Tune in tomorrow when PartnerInCrime and I settle our bet over how many Fuzzy Navels Nutjob had. I said she'd have 4, he said 3. When I left she was sucking down her second one. Tomorrow when I go in I'll ask her how many she had, and she'll proudly tell me. Prepare to pay up, PartnerInCrime.

Do you really have THAT much work to do?

Quickly, before I have to leave for the party. This morning I went to the ladies room and found a blue pen resting on top of the toilet paper dispenser. I thought that was odd, until I just made a return visit, and found a black pen resting nicely next to the blue pen on top of the same dispenser.

1. Who is bringing paperwork into the bathroom stall?
2. Why would you leave your pen behind?
3. I sure hope they don't come back to pick their pens up, then absentmindedly chew on them at some time in the future.

PS Nutjob is wearing silver shoes to match her silver Christmas bow.

PPS AngrySally is wearing leather pants. Yikes.

It's starting...

1. Nutjob has a silver bow in her hair. Not a pretty hair bow. One of those stick-on bows you put on a present.

2. Jane has told anyone who walks by her cube (including me) that she is wearing a size 8 suit that she couldn't even put on last year. She is sooooo excited. She's 57 years old and wearing a size 8. Isn't that terrific? She even twirled around so I could see her from all angles. Gee, thanks. She interrupted herself to excitedly say she had to call her husband to tell him she was wearing a size 8.

Stay tuned.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Tumbleweeds in BlogLand

Is this thing on?

Yes, I realize it's been quiet in here lately. Unfortunately between my frenzied preparation for year-end and my co-workers slacking like crazy, there hasn't been much to report. Here is the only scrap of humor I've come across in the last few days. Hopefully things will change tomorrow, with our holiday party with open bar. Ahhhh, yes.

Anyway, hopefully this will tide you over. StonerBoy recently had surgery on his shoulder, which he injured in an accident about a year ago. (Don't ask. I don't know why he waited so long either).

Me: Hey, how's your shoulder doing?

StonerBoy: It's ok. Doing better.

Me: Are you still taking painkillers?

StonerBoy: Nah.... only when it hurts.

Yes, he is called StonerBoy for a reason.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Words you shouldn't hear unless you're in a doctor's office:

"Hymen" and "foreskin".

Now that I have your attention... It occurred to me that I completely forgot to related this lovely little tidbit yesterday. Because we here at BlogCompany are a serious business, we get a copy of the Wall Street Journal. Not too many people pay attention to it, with the exception of Musketeer #2, who likes to take it into the bathroom with him for his 3:00 dump. (Come to think of it... that might be why no one else touches it). Yesterday afternoon, he walked into Musketeer #1's office yelling about an article he read in the Journal. Yes, yelling.

Musketeer #2: Holy crap, Musketeer #1 this article is right up your alley.

Musketeer #1: Huh?

Musketeer #2: I was reading the Journal, and look at this! (shakes the paper in his face). A woman had hymen replacement surgery! I didn't even know they could do that! It cost $5,000, what is she thinking!

Musketeer #1: Now wait a minute. If she can do that, I want my foreskin back. (takes the paper and reads the article). It says here she's in her 40's and she did it for an anniversary present for her husband! Nice!

Musketeer #2: You should show it to Mrs. Musketeer #1.

Musketeer #1: Are you kidding? She'd tell me to fuck off.

...and so on.

Later on, Musketeer #2 mentioned the article to my boss.

Musketeer #2: That's ok, you should have seen the article I found in the Wall Street Journal. (looks at me) Do you know about it?

Me: How could I not.

Musketeer #2: Oh. You heard us talking?

Me: Talking? More like yelling. And yes, I heard you.

MyBoss: What? What is it about?

...and the whole thing started all over again.

Bringing down the dreidl

Yesterday afternoon, the Three Musketeers got punchy and decided (while Nutjob was not at her desk) to try to shoot down the Dreidl of Death with long strings of rubberbands attached to each other. No luck. She has it cemented up there with I don't even want to know what. Probably boogers that she collects throughout the year.

Let's see. It's Friday. It's pouring rain and cold. HeadHoncho is "scheduled" to be in the office. I'll bet Nutjob's booger-laden dreidl he decides not to come in today. Thanks to SilentHusband's germs, I feel like ass. So I'm going to be cranky all day, and I'm allowed to be, dammit. Especially when I've spent the morning listening to the Musketeers vehemently bitching about a woman broker who is using the office digital camera. I don't know what their problem is but suddenly she's a "fucking bitch" and is "probably taking pictures of chocolate" (no, that would be me, with my mountains of Ghiradelli at home. ahhhhh.... ). Points I wanted to make to them but am too drugged out to give a crap right now:

1. Get your own damn digital camera. Between the three of you, you can surely afford one.

2. If this was a male broker, not only would there not be any references to chocolate, but you wouldn't be swearing a blue streak over it. You'd say "what a dick" and move on.

Also, in wonderful Freudian style, I had a dream about this place the other night. Specifically, that I was screaming at Musketeer #1 to never touch me again (in the dream he had touched me on the waist, ack, ew, get away from me) and the whole office ended up thinking that we'd had an affair and I ended it and that's why I was yelling at him. I need to go take a very long very soapy shower now.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Deck the halls

It's rare, but it does happen. Once in a while, I actually *gasp* make a mistake. I don't even have anything fun to blame it on this time, but somehow I completely forgot to order poinsettias for our office. Usually, our plant company sends me a contract to sign in October, and I fax it back to them and that's that. For some reason I totally spaced out on it and completely forgot to sign it and fax it back. Even worse, I forgot that I forgot. On Monday when I came back to the office, I noticed the pretty white poinsettias in our lobby and thought about how nice they looked. When I got upstairs to our office, the lack of festive flowers was glaringly obvious. So, I called the plant company to find out when they'd arrive. Um, well, never, since you didn't order any. Ack! I asked them to send us whatever they could, just so we had something. To their credit, they showed up two days later with all of the plants and the wreath we usually order.

Now for the last few days I'd been feeling pretty smug, since no one was complaining about the lack of poinsettias in the office. I figured I'd gotten away with it and no one would be any the wiser. I should have known better. My boss called me from the other office today.

MyBoss: Why don't we have poinsettias up there?

Me: We do, they just arrived today.

MyBoss: Oh. Why so late?

Me: Well, I'm not sure what happened. I thought I'd sent them the contract but they didn't have it, so they thought we didn't order any. I got them to bring some by anyway though.

MyBoss: Oh, ok. Because PartnerInCrime was bitching to the receptionist down here about it.

Me: What? Why would he care?

MyBoss: I don't know, he was going on about how festive it was down here and how you guys had nothing up there. Hey! Do you have the Christmas tree up?

Me: No.... we didn't put it up last year and no one noticed, so it hasn't been put up this year. Besides, it looks really cheesy.

MyBoss: Oh. Well if it looks bad.... But we have to have a Christmas tree. We have to have one because it's, you know, Catholic. (MyBoss is Catholic. You wouldn't know it.)

Me: Uh, ok, I'll put it up.

MyBoss: No! Wait we can't put it up if we don't have a menorah.

Me: I think we have one, somehwere in the back. Didn't we have one once?

MyBoss: Oh, ok.

Me: Do you want me to put the tree up?

MyBoss: No, not if we have a menorah up, we need both.

Me: We don't have a menorah up.

MyBoss: You just said we did!

Me: I said we have one somewhere.. it's not up front on display.

MyBoss: Oh. Ok. I have to think about this. I'll call you back.

Well I'm glad someone's tackling the important problems.

Why me?

I must be a good listener. That's the only thing I can think of. People in this office have told me some pretty detailed personal things. There was one broker's description of his gout, at least three brokers with their detailed recollection of their colonoscopies, RunOnSentence's revelation about her breast cysts and her daughter's "feminine" problems... and on and on.

She got me again today. RunOnSentence, that is. She came over to tell me about how sick she was on her days off (the last two days), how she thought she had bronchitis but the doctor said her lungs are totally clear but it feels heavy in her chest not in her head so she doesn't get how it could be upper respiratory.... etc. Somehow in the course of the monologue (you really can't call it a conversation if all I'm saying is "mmm hmm") she decided to tell me that while she was at the doctor she asked him about this weird rash she has on her stomach. And proceded to lift up her shirt and show me.

RunOnSentence: Look! Isn't that weird? It started with this one (points to one near her navel) and now look (points to more on her ribcage).

She even pushed the waist of her pants down a little to show me some under her navel, and proceeded to explain she'd had them once on her breast (what's with the breasts!?) and the doctor said it was some kind of fungus. I almost choked on my coffee. What the hell do you say to that? Gee, I hope your rash goes away soon? Don't touch anything in my cube? Get away from me you freak?

Anyone have any leftover plastic wrap and duct tape? I need to secure my work area from biological hazards.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Another non-event

If this keeps up I'm going to lose my readership.... even loyal Mr Ring of Fire might pick up and take his witty insights elsewhere. Alas, the "film crew" that HeadHoncho made such a big deal about turned out to be a few people with a camcorder, wanting to interview key people in the office. I didn't even have to make use of my SilentWitness mask, because as luck would have it, when HeadHoncho was rounding up my boss to go sit for the interview, I just so happened to be on the phone. I mouthed "sorry!" to HeadHoncho and he went on to hassle my boss. PartnerInCrime saved the day- it was he who was on the phone, calling from another office to complain about how boring the event was that he drove two hours to attend.

However, I do have one mildly interesting morsel for you. Someone commented on my necklace today- my boss. I was about to leave her office and she apparently just noticed it.

MyBoss: Oooh! I like your necklace!

A second look.

MyBoss: Wait... let me see?

I leaned closer to show her.

Me: Isn't it cool?

MyBoss (hesitating): How... cute. I like that frog. That's... cute.

Me: Thanks!

Note to MyBoss- you can ask me about it. For crying out loud you know I read tarot cards, you can't be that surprised. I won't bite you. (Much to SilentHusband's chagrin...)

Letdown

No camera crew yet. Nutjob showered and washed her hair for nothing.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Oh yeah, I almost forgot

Remember a while back I mentioned that JerseyGirl was running around the office with a digital camera, collecting pictures of everyone for our queer regional meeting? I guess that wasn't enough. Some genius decided to send film crews to our offices, and that we may be "a part of certain scenes, intentionally, or unintentionally", according to HeadHoncho. Well isn't that special. I responded to his email and said I wouldn't be in tomorrow, since I have to take my cat for his yearly bath at the groomer's.

This can only result in loads of entertainment value. Then again, I could bribe them with mountains of Ghiradelli chocolate so they'll stay the hell away from me.

I'm back... and so is the Dreidl of Death

I did end up hearing from my boss twice more during the week, but didn't feel like posting about it. Now I'm back, and I see the Dreidl of Death has once again assumed it's rightful place over Nutjob's head. It just wasn't Christmukkah last year without it.

Naturally, I returned to find my desk fairly buried under piles of paperwork and files, but to my utter surprise, I also found a huge box, with the Wine Country Gift Basket logo on the side. I figured one of the clients had sent it to the office and it ended up on my desk. Imagine my surprise when I opened it and found a note from CheapSkate and another broker in our other office, thanking me for all my hard work. Imagine my further suprise when I found that it was a huge basket, loaded with nothing but chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Tons of chocolate! Allow me to gloat for a moment. Here is what it contains:

Liberal helpings of Ghirardelli mint chocolate, milk chocolate with caramel squares and bar, milk chocolate drops, dark chocolate with mint, milk chocolate with almonds Ghirardelli squares and bar, double chocolate hot cocoa, chocolate mint and chocolate raspberry Ghirardelli coffee, milk and white chocolate truffles, milk chocolate squares, milk chocolate bar and more fill this large burgundy basket. Two candy dishes are included to serve all of these rich chocolate treasures.

Serve these rich chocolate treasures? Are you insane? Oh no... they will be safely transported to my house, where they will be summarily devoured. Mmmmmmmm.... chocoloate.....

Monday, December 05, 2005

My umbillical attachment

Hi! Yes, it's Monday, and yes, I'm off this week. Why am I posting? Because it's 1:23 p.m. and I just got off the phone with my boss. So, I'm going to keep a running tally of phone calls. I'll come back and edit this post each time I get a call. I'm not surprised in the least that she called, but I am a little surprised that it was today. Normally she tries to go at least one day before she calls me. So, here's the list so far:

12/5/05 1:02 p.m.

My boss called and asked me what I was doing on the computer. I thought that was rather odd, since I'm not signed into Messenger and she doesn't even have it. I asked her how she knew I was on the computer. "Because you sent an email to Mr Corporate Accountant telling him we're expecting a wire. [pause] OH! That's from Friday! Nevermind!"

She went on to tell me about something she was working on for a broker and her phone rang and she put me on hold. For a good five minutes. When she came back she was all flustered, because he'd asked her to make a change in the system that she didn't know how to make. How convenient, I'm already on the phone. I walked her through it, and while she was waiting for it to post she asked if I was getting a lot done. I nearly blurted "I was" but bit my tongue. It's going to be a fun week.

12/5/05 2:24 p.m.

My Boss: FormerBroker called and wants to know why he's $5,000 short on the settlement money for that lawsuit.

Me: I sent him a check on Thursday.

My Boss: Oh! Great, I'll just email him that then. Do you know... I might not get a car!...

and on to a conversation about finance rates. I'm not answering the phone any more today.

12/5/05 4:12 p.m.

I know, I said I wasn't going to answer the phone.... but I thought it might be SilentHusband. Yeah, gotta start making use of the answering machine and screening calls. She wanted to know if we could put a broker's cell phone number on a sign. How the hell do I know? We've never done it before, isn't that the type of thing you should be deciding? Argh....

12/6/05 1:45 p.m.

I did really well. All morning I let the machine get the phone but after 3 times of it actually being a call I wanted to take and having to wait for the machine to stop playing and turn it off while trying to talk to the person, this last time the phone rang I just snatched it up. Of course, you know who it was. I'm not even going to bother explaining what she was asking about. And I already know she's going to call me tomorrow, because a check came in for a screwed-up deal. She swears this only happens when I'm away. What she doesn't realize is that it happens when I'm there, she just doesn't know about it because I do it.

Ok, off to get some coffee and head up to ChinaGirl's house to watch some hot Russian construction workers- I mean, hang out and chat.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Pele Speaks

Any time you hear the words "incredible fire hose display" referring to a volcano, you just have to pay attention. I wonder how Nutjob will take to hearing that her beloved Hawaii just lost 44 acres of coastline.

More photos here. (My personal favorites are from 18-20 November, the "skylights" in the lava tubes. Wow. Just wow.)

Too bad I won't be in the office on Monday to see if she's even heard about it, since I'm on vacation!!!

PS- This post made possible by Mr Ever Vigilant Seismically Aware Ring of Magmatic Fire. Thanks also go to SharksFan, for pointing me in the direction of the fantastic pictures at USGS. The author would also like to thank Yutte Hermsgervordenbrotborda, without whom the moose training would have been impossible.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Totally not work related, but still damn funny

Let me preface this by saying I love my husband. We do things very differently sometimes, and I have to remember that just because he does something differently than the way I would do it, that doesn't make it wrong. However, that doesn't mean it has no entertainment value.

I arrived at work to see that I had a voicemail. Figuring JerseyGirl couldn't be calling out sick because she already had the day off, I wondered who had come down with a mysterious Friday Ailment. No one, as it turned out. It was a message from SilentHusband, telling me he was at the mechanic's because of a very minor problem (so stressed because the last time he left me a message simply telling me he had bad news, I flipped out on him and said never to leave a message like that again, since I am Queen of the Worst Case Scenario). I called him back to find out what this "very minor problem" was.

Me: What's up?

SilentHusband: Well... on my way in to work, I ran over a box.

Me: You ran over a box?

SilentHusband: Yeah.

Me: Okayyy.....

SilentHusband: And then I drove over a bunch of potholes trying to dislodge it-

Me: You did what?!

SilentHusband: I was trying to dislodge it. So I did dislodge it. And also some kind of metal plate off the bottom of my car.

Me: Wait. Didn't you pull over?

SilentHusband: Well yeah, to pick up the plate.

Me: But before that, didn't you [the "we do things differently light" in my brain started flashing] - nevermind. Ok, well how much is it going to cost?

SilentHusband: Oh, it can't be much, it's just some metal plate.

Yeah. Some of those metal plates are pretty important. So we'll see.

PS- Thank you SilentHusband for being a trooper and saying it was ok for me to post this.