Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Bruce shows his class (again)

Time to introduce a new cast member! *insert fanfare here* I shall call her "HotBroker". We have very few female brokers, and this one is in her 40's (I'm guessing) but doesn't look it. She dresses very "young", but not embarassingly so- she can pull it off. She has a body that won't quit, a cute face and an outgoing (but not annoying) personality. Obviously, she's well liked by the males in the office. (I feel a little bad for her though... she's not liked for who she is, she's liked for what she looks like. But that's a whole other topic for a whole other post).

Today I wandered into the kitchen to refill my cup of coffee and she happened to be in there with one of the gals from the other department. I caught the tail end of a conversation.

HotBroker: ...it really sucked to hear that, so here I am in here eating chocolate.

Gal: Yeah that is pretty harsh.

I was going to tactfully stay out of whatever I'd just walked into, but she's not shy. She turned to me to fill me in.

HotBroker: SilentWitness, you'll never believe what Bruce said to me.

Me (wryly): Try me.

HotBroker: He actually looked at me and said "You know, if only you were 20 years younger...." If only? Then what? And 20 years?! Ouch!

Me: What an asshat. Don't take it personally, he has no class whatsoever.

And I related the "Mexican hairless" comment regarding my latest haircut. Then Nutjob spoiled the Bruce-bashing, chocolate-eating bonding session by running in to tell us there was chocolate in here. Um, not anymore there's not.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Going.... Up?

The quality of this building has become a joke in these parts. The owners don't seem to care about silly things like having soap in the bathroom, or or toilets that flush (or stop flushing). Today it's the elevator. Oh, but just one of them at least. This morning in my Monday morning fog as I made my coffee, Bruce asked me which elevator I'd taken this morning.

Me: What? I don't know.

Bruce: Well I took the one on the left, and I swear I thought I was going to die! It made this awful gridnding sound. I really didn't think it was going to make it up here.

Me: Well I obviously didn't take that one. That's screwed up, I'll call BuildingManager.

At that moment, Jane burst into the kitchen, coat and sunglasses still on.

Jane: Oh my God! Did you take that elevator?! That was the most terrifying ride of my life! I was asking forgiveness for my sins.... (at this point I tuned her out).

It's not that I have no sympathy for them, I'm sure I'd have been freaked out to ride in that elevator too. But I'm pissy today and Jane's habit of telling everyone the same story, word for word, is making me want to strangle her. Can't you vary it just slightly? Ok, ok, so you were asking forgiveness for your sins. As for forgiveness for mine, too because I'm about to commit one.

My mood combined with the morning's elevator-centric talk has called to mind a creepy set of lyrics. It'll really help matters to have this stuck in my head all day:

"My flavor's a plunging elevator
a millisecond before it hits the cellar.
A cellar with mutated rats.
Old - very old - lost teeth.
Abortions. Garbage. So pungent it hums
out of key (slightly).
Just enough to annoy you."

The Tear Garden - "Empathy for the Devil"

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Not dead

Lest you think my co-workers actually threw me into a volcano, I am posting to let you all know I am still alive and somewhat well. It frustrates me to no end that I have nothing to report, but there you go. They must all be on their medication these days.

(The purpose of this post is two-fold. One, as already stated, and the other in hopes that Murphy's Law will apply and now that I've said I have nothing to report, something unbelievably blogworthy will happen and I can get this thing rolling again.)

PS- The spirit of SilentKitty visited me on my commute home from work last week and told me it was ok to adopt another kitty to keep OtherSilentKitty (aka Stink-Butt) company. And to keep me company. So I adopted another cat... and with predictable obsessiveness, named him after one of my favorite hockey players. Welcome to the pack, Bulin. Please allow OSK to think he is alpha-cat. Things will go much easier for you.

Friday, January 20, 2006

The proper care and feeding of SilentWitness

1. Do not get between SilentWitness and her hockey.

2. If SilentWitness hasn’t eaten and her blood sugar is in the basement, stay the fuck out of her way and don’t ask her any goddamn stupid fucking questions. Also, please take her seriously when she tells you (“you” being the IT department) that she is getting locked out of her account every day, several times a day, regardless of what computer she uses, and has resorted to amusing herself by writing her passwords down on her notepad (because who can remember 3 passwords a day) in Cyrillic on the outside chance that anyone might see it and think it would be good idea to try to fuck with her network account and try to log in as her.

Thank you, that is all.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

R.I.P. SilentKitty

Hi-de-ho SilentReaders. I haven't had much to say lately, as I've not been in a very upbeat mood, and my co-workers aren't complying with their normal antics to distract me. Unfortunately, I had to put one of my cats to sleep last week. He was very old, very frail, and quite sick, so it was the best thing for him, but I still miss the little guy.

In office related news, Nutjob just got back from a week-long cruise and even though she got off the boat on Saturday claims she still has "sea legs". Never having been on a cruise in my life, I have no idea if this is another attention ploy or if that phenomenon does indeed last for days.

Jane has been sick with the flu for the last week, and has been coming in. She's hacking up all kinds of lovely-sounding things over on the other side of that cube wall. Some of them are rather juicy. If I end up with what she has I will be supremely peeved.

I didn't tell too many people in the office about SilentKitty, because a) it's none of their business and b) I didn't want to have to talk about it all week. I did tell Musketeer #3 though, because he and I always ask after each other's cats and share what silly antics they're up to. He expressed appropriate sympathy, and I actually didn't cry. (Imagine!). The next day, I seriously thought he might be the biggest dick on the planet.

Musketeer #3: How's your cat?

Me (stunned silence, staring at him)

Musketeer #3: The other one!!! How's he taking it?

Whew. OtherSilentKitty is ok, a little clingy, and will get a brother or sister at some point in the future but not for a while.

So that's the news, from Lake BlogCompany, where all the co-workers are imbiciles, all the brokers are cheating scumbags, and all the admins are good-looking.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

2 more things of note

1. - I realized at some point during the day, that I had a dream last night that Jane had a blog where she recorded all of the things I said and/or did that ticked her off. Guily conscience much?

2. - This afternoon our intranet slowed down to the pace of continental drift. I called our tech support, even though I was sure every other office was calling at the same time. Because you know the one time I don't call, the problem will be local to our office and tech support won't even know about it. Anyway... Here was my incredibly satisfying conversation:

Me: Hi, its SilentWitness in BlogOffice. Are we having intranet troubles?

TechChick: Yeah, it's just really slow.

Me: Oh... Ok. It's taking about 5 mintues to send a print job to my printer.

TechChick: It's a firewall thing.

Me: Ok... is there any estimate-

TechChick: We're working on it.

Well, ok, I'm sure she was tired of answering the phone and saying "yes our connection is slow". And it's obvious you guys have no idea what the problem actually is. But sheesh, at least make up an entertaining explanation, like the time you told me "don't tell anyone but the real problem is someone tripped over the power cord".

No wonder he's single

Well I think it's safe to say I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis. On Friday I decided to get all my hair chopped off. Well, most of it. So I have this chic little pixie type cut and I actually feel quite good about it. It makes me feel more perky, don't ask me why. So, naturally, everyone in the office is doing a double-take when they see me, since I went from lots of curls to practically nothing. Most people are polite and say it looks nice, even if they think I look like a boy now, but there's always Bruce. Mr. Social Skills.

Bruce: Wow! You went from poodle perm to Mexican hairless!

Me: "Mexican hairless?" Wow, that's... flattering.

Bruce: ha ha ha... no, it looks good.

Gee, thanks. Hate to break it to you but I didn't do it to impress you, Mr. Wonderful.

Oh yes, and Happy New Year everyone! (even though I think it's a stupid holiday)