Monday, February 13, 2006

Fatherly advice

There's a broker in the office who I rarely mention here, because he's actually sane and so doesn't end up in many of my stories. He's a really nice person, a "real" person, which is rare to find in this industry, and consequently, he doesn't make any money. But he's genuinely concerned about people, and for some reason has kind of taken me under his wing. I'll call him DearOldDad, since he's sort of like a father figure in a way. (Not that my own father is absent or lacking, but he doesn't work here in the office. Naturally.)

Anyway, at the office holiday party, DearOldDad and I were chatting up a nice friendly storm, one of those conversations that for people like me, who are petrified of talking to people and hate small talk, was going much easier with the aid of a glass of wine. When I have a slight buzz I get very talkative. Very, very talkative. Not that I divulge secrets, just that you really can't shut me up. Somehow we got onto the topic of things we'd always wanted to do, and when I mentioned I would love to be a goalie, he just about fell off his chair in surprise, and asked me several times if I was serious. I think he thought I was too dainty to want to do something that crazy (or sweaty). But I told him I was serious, and he asked why I didn't go for it, and I proceded to give him a long list of reasons (excuses) why I "couldn't" do it.

I've been thinking about that conversation for a long time. This weekend I decided to tell my inner ninny to shut the hell up, and SilentHusband and I went out and bought a bunch of satisfyingly scruffy, used goalie gear. I love it. I can't wait to start learning, start practicing. Even just getting out and skating will be fun, I've had my ass parked in the house for too long. (Naturally this weekend we got buried under 8 feet of snow, and I wasn't able to go out and play. So I strapped all my gear on and SilentHusband threw pucks at me in the living room.)

I felt I had to share this information with DearOldDad, so I stopped by his office for a chat. His first concern was for my safety.

DOD: You have to make sure you're well protected. (Ok, now he REALLY sounds like a dad).

Me: Oh, I'm all set except for the helmet, which I'm getting soon. I've got the leg pads, chest protector, blocker and glove. It's great!

DOD: Well you really ought to think about getting a cup.

Me- (look of disbelief... did he really just SAY that?)

DOD: Seriously... you need some kind of protection for.... that area.

Me: You know I was actually wondering about that myself.

DOD: Even if you don't get a cup, get a jock and stuff some socks in it. You don't want to have the decision of having kids or not be made for you. The puck doesn't care if you're a girl or a guy.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd decided long ago not to have kids, besides, that wasn't the point. I was partially touched by his concern and partially incredibly amused that of all the things he could say when I told him I decided to go after what I wanted, he told me to get a cup. Or stuff socks in my pants. Man, I love this place.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Great, now there's 2 of them

We've been on a hiring binge lately. I guess there weren't enough loonies in the office, we had to go out and find some more. What better place to look than in Bruce's little black book? HeadHoncho had a brainfart and hired one of Bruce's bodybuilding buddies. This guy is a total knucklehead, so that is what he shall be called from here on in. I had to get his computer all set up on the network, and in the process had to download and install a service pack for his version of Windows, and install Adobe... all of which is quite time consuming. So I got to hear a lot about the bodybuilding business and how 70% of the guys in it are gay. (You trying to tell me something, buddy?) While I was patiently enduring the testosterone onslaught, MiddleAgedHippie walked by, saw me sitting there, and did what every other somewhat sports-conscious guy has done in the last day or so: asked me what I thought about the Tocchet Betting Debacle. Which has now become the Gretzky Betting Debacle because everyone is salivating at the thought of knocking the Great One off his pedestal.

Knucklehead took this opportunity to try to impress me.

Knucklehead: You know, I was at a hockey game last week. It was the BlahBlahs versus the BlahBlahs. There was a bench-clearing brawl. It was awesome.

Me: Reeeeeally? A bench-clearing brawl, huh?

Knucklehead (puffing up): Yep. They all jumped onto the ice and started beating each other.

Me: Hmmm. That's interesting, I'm sure I would have heard about that.

Knucklehead is perplexed.

Me: I mean, a guy so much as thinks about jumping over the boards to join a fight and he's suspended for a week. (ok, exaggeration there, so what).

Knucklehead: Well. Ahhh, maybe they didn't jump off the bench. Maybe it was the guys who were already on the ice. Yeah. They were just going nuts though.

Dude. Ask SilentHusband, ChinaGirl or Mr Ring of Fire- I am the Geek Queen of Hockey Fans. Need to know how many Finnish goalies are in the NHL? Ask me. (There are 9, in case you're curious). I went to a hockey game on my honeymoon. I will run hockey circles around you in my Geek Queendom. Putz.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Ease on down the road

Well folks, it's official. BlogCompany is moving. Where? Across the street and down two buildings. Seems like if we're going to go through all the hassle we should at least move 10 miles away. However, as my boss says, "it is what it is" and we've been awash in planning for the last few months. The space is in the process of being built out, and I went over yesterday and took a gander at the hot Russian construction workers. Whoops! I meant my new office. Yes ladies and gentlemen, SilentWitness will no longer be a citizen of Cubeville. Also, now that the offices and cubes have been assigned, I also know that I will be nowhere near the Three Musketeers, and a little bit further away from Nutjob than I am now.

But fret not, dear readers, for right outside my door will be AngrySally, the queen of irate phone calls, and another person who hasn't made it in here yet because she's on the other end of the office and I haven't had much chance to witness firsthand if she is as obnoxious as people say she is. So this is by no means the end of the road for this blog. Not only that, but moving itself is bound to be an endless source of blogworthy stories. It already has been, insofar as Jane has already had a hissy fit about her "area" (not quite an office, not quite a cube), but that will come later. For now, just be content to know that I will still be surrounded by plenty of candidates for volcanic sacrifice.